-Cindy Wright ? February 1, 2012?
Yes, I know, this is a controversial subject, and trust me when I say that I wish it wasn?t one I?d ever have to deal with now or in the future. But the reality is that we are often posed the question of whether a person should have sex with their ex-husband or ex-wife ?if that is something God would sanction since they were once married. So here goes.
In broaching this subject, first I need to say that I realize there will be many who will say that divorce is not an option so there are no ?exes? involved, which will spiral the question into a whole different direction. And yes, if you don?t recognize divorce as something that is permitable, then I can see why you would think that.
But I am not going to go into that territory here ?not now or in any other part of this web site.
At Marriage Missions, we don?t and won?t debate that issue. We stand firm on Scripture knowing that “God hates divorce.” But we are also operating in the “real world” where people (including Christians) DO divorce. In prayerfully considering whether someone should divorce or not, we have come to believe that divorce and remarrying is something that is between them and God, on a one-to-one basis. It is not for us to tell someone to divorce and it is not for us to tell someone to remarry.
We believe we are called to put forth warnings about possible consequences to consider and encourage the person and persons involved to take all their concerns on this issue to God, Himself, and work them through with Him.
Human counselors, advisers, mentors, educators, and such are important to consult (for insights, please see the articles, Scriptures Dealing with Seeking the Counsel of Others, and the article, Applying the Gleaning Principle to Human Advisers). But they aren?t all knowing. Be wise and take all you have thought about and heard and talk to God about it ?ultimately, asking for His wisdom and discernment as Truth on matters of concern.
With that said, I have to say that when we are asked whether or not a person should have sex with their ex, our prayerful answer has been that we don?t believe they should. If they believe God has told them that they can divorce, or they find themselves divorced, even though they didn?t want it (their ex initiated it and made it happen), having sex after the divorce can be problematic.
That is why I was excited when I came across an article this morning, which addressed this subject, and confirms what we believe, as well. It further confirmed what we believe and is written so well that I want to share it with you.
Roger Barrier, who used to be our pastor when he lived in our town, is the author. You can read it by accessing the following Crosswalk.com link:
??SEX WITH MY EX?
Please let me add a few additional points to all of this. I believe that making love, although the ?world? often calls it ?having sex,? is a wonderful gift God has given to those who enter into the covenant of marriage. Within the sanctuary of marriage, it is an exciting way of connecting physically, emotionally and spiritually. It can truly be a God-given gift. But when you open this gift outside of marriage, God?s blessing is not upon it. It?s as pure and simple as that.
And when you do something without God?s blessing there are complications, which are put into place.
1. When God is not in it, you will not have the possibility of receiving all of His benefits, in this and other areas of your life. You don?t go against God?s ways and expect that He will bless it.
2. When it comes to making love with an ex spouse, you are giving yourself to someone who is not fully committed to you. You are giving one of the ?benefits? of marriage, to someone who has less of a reason to want to be there for you through the good and the bad.
His or her commitment to you is only ?as long as.? As long as you do what he or she wants, that part of him or her is available. But when you need more support through difficult situations, it is questionable as to whether you will get it.
Those who martially cleave together physically, emotionally, and spiritually, work together through the good and bad times. If you put yourself out there ?expecting less, you will get it. And when you need more, partnership is questionable, as to whether you can count on it. That can leads to all kinds of complications.
3. If you are hoping to someday reconcile with your spouse, you are putting that hope in jeopardy. As the old saying goes, ?Why buy the cow, when you get all the milk you want FREE??
Yes, I know that is crude, but the principle behind that saying, is true. If a spouse can sexually have you and yet have the option to have sex with others (because your vows are broken through the divorce decree), why should he or she go back into marriage? That, in itself, puts complications into place because you are then exposing yourself to the possibilities of contracting S.T.D.?s and AIDS and such.
There are other reasons, as well, to consider (which I hope people will add in their comments). But for now, please consider the following scriptures, as they pertain to this issue:
?Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.? -Hebrews 13:4 ?Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?? -Proverbs 6:27 ?Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.? -1 Corinthians 6:18-20 ?It is God?s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.? -1 Thessalonians 4:3-8
?Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.? -Hebrews 13:4
?Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?? -Proverbs 6:27
?Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.? -1 Corinthians 6:18-20
?It is God?s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.? -1 Thessalonians 4:3-8
-Cindy Wright ? January 30, 2012
There have been several times in our married life when I looked up at Heaven and said to God, ?I didn?t marry this ?this is not what I agreed to? This isn?t fair.? (I talked a bit in my last blog about the ?This Isn?t Fair? statement.)
I?ll never forget the day the Lord confronted me about what I promised on my wedding day. He said to me, within my thoughts, ?Yes you did. You promised to ?love, honor, and cherish for better, for worse, until death? do you part. This is part of the ?worse? of it all.? I instantly knew He was right. I had. But I had forgotten. It changed how I approached matters afterward.
All of this hit home again when last week, one of my niece?s was married on the other side of the country. Because of my brother?s heart condition (he is living with us right now), he and we couldn?t attend the wedding. So via Skype, we attended that way. We?re thankful for modern technology.
But during the ceremony, as we heard the preacher helping the couple exchange their vows, I thought to myself, ?I hope they remember what they?re promising each other when times get tough ?which they will!? My husband and I have often forgotten what we promised each other (like in the incident I previously cited).
It?s amazing how we often forget such important things. God doesn?t forget and we shouldn?t either. But we do? even though when we marry we enter into a covenant agreement with our spouse AND God. Entering into a covenant agreement is MUCH more serious than signing a contract with someone. That?s why we should take it very, very seriously, and NOT forget or take lightly what we promise on our wedding day.
The Bible says, ?It is a trap for a man to dedicate something rashly and only later consider his vows? (Proverbs 20:25). It?s important when we marry, that we don?t ?rashly? make promises we won?t keep.
To consider this subject further, there is an article written by April Motyl, which I encourage you to read. You can find it at the Crosswalk.com link, THIS WASN?T PART OF THE DEAL.
Have you been on the receiving end of poisonous assaults from you spouse, through words he or she has thrown at you? Have you thrown verbal assaults at your spouse? God warns us in the Bible, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29).
We?re thinking that poisonous putdowns, probably doesn?t do too much ?building? and it sure isn?t very beneficial for those who listen ?whether you?re on the receiving end of them or you?re a bystander (such as your children). If this is happening in your marriage, change is needed.
Relationship expert, Dr Gary Chapman addressed this topic in an issue of Marriage Partnership Magazine (now part of the Kyria.com ministry). Hopefully, his insights below will give light into a sinful stronghold that needs to be exposed, uprooted, and thrown away. Dr Chapman writes:
Physical abuse in marriage is devastating. But verbal abuse ?putdowns, blame, harsh or bitter words, profanity ?can be just as destructive. Verbal abuse uses words as grenades ?designed to punish the other person, to place blame, or to justify actions ?it’s a poisonous putdown that one spouse uses to make the other feel bad, appear wrong or inadequate. The book of Proverbs is filled with warnings against unleashing poisonous words: “Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him” -Proverbs 29:20; “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control“ -Proverbs 29:11; “The tongue has the power of life and death“ -Proverbs 18:21. Clearly the Bible warns against verbal abuse. Confront lovingly. Marilyn and Jeff struggled with this issue. Jeff would make cutting, nasty remarks if he didn’t like what Marilyn was doing. She finally came to me for counseling. I encouraged Marilyn to confront Jeff lovingly. Later that night after the children were in bed, she told him, “I’ve been thinking about us. I remember how kind you were to me when we dated: your tender touch, your kind words, and the fun we had. Sometimes, though, I lose that vision when I’m hurt by your verbal attacks. I believe that gentle, loving man ?the one I married ?is the man you really want to be.” Take time away. Two weeks later Jeff exploded again in harsh words to Marilyn. Since confrontation needs to be progressive, I encouraged Marilyn to up the ante. Marilyn had another conversation with Jeff: “I’ve made a decision. I’ve explained how deeply I’m hurt when you lash out at me with critical and demeaning words. It takes me days and sometimes weeks to get over the pain. I’ve decided that the next time you lose your temper and yell at me, I’ll take some time away from you in order to recover. I’m not abandoning you; I’m trying to take constructive action. I’m sharing this with you because I believe in you and want to improve our marriage.” “Your leaving isn’t going to help,” Jeff scoffed. “Perhaps not,” Marilyn said, “but at least it’s a step in the right direction.” A week later when Jeff erupted, Marilyn packed up their children and spent three days with her mother. That’s when Jeff got serious about his destructive behavior. He sought counseling and started down the road to recovery. While not all spouses will respond as quickly as Jeff, most will face reality when confronted with tough love. Don’t give in. We must never allow verbal abuse “to work” for the abuser. [Please read the article, Why Doesn't My Spouse Change? Functional Fixedness] Giving in encourages that negative behavior to continue. If you recognize this in your marriage, you might say, “I realize I’ve encouraged your verbal outbursts by caving in. I understand now that this is wrong. In the future I will no longer be responsive when you lash out. If you want something, ask nicely, and I may well do what you desire. But I won’t give in when you rant and rave.” Then be consistent in following through. Love confronts and love is consistent. Pray. Loving confrontation is best accompanied by prayer. We aren’t praying simply for our spouse. We’re asking for God’s wisdom that we may know how to be constructive in our situation. We’re asking for emotional strength to take positive action and not become victims of our spouse’s wrong behavior. Does the above approach guarantee your spouse will eliminate the abusive behavior? No. We can’t determine another’s choices. We can, however, be responsible even when our spouse is being irresponsible. Retaliation (fighting fire with fire), capitulation (giving up and becoming a doormat), and denial (acting as though nothing is wrong) are all common responses to verbal abuse. None of them, however, are Christian responses. The Christian response is loving confrontation. “If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted“ (Galatians 6:1).
Physical abuse in marriage is devastating. But verbal abuse ?putdowns, blame, harsh or bitter words, profanity ?can be just as destructive.
Verbal abuse uses words as grenades ?designed to punish the other person, to place blame, or to justify actions ?it’s a poisonous putdown that one spouse uses to make the other feel bad, appear wrong or inadequate.
The book of Proverbs is filled with warnings against unleashing poisonous words: “Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him” -Proverbs 29:20; “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control“ -Proverbs 29:11; “The tongue has the power of life and death“ -Proverbs 18:21. Clearly the Bible warns against verbal abuse.
Confront lovingly. Marilyn and Jeff struggled with this issue. Jeff would make cutting, nasty remarks if he didn’t like what Marilyn was doing. She finally came to me for counseling.
I encouraged Marilyn to confront Jeff lovingly. Later that night after the children were in bed, she told him, “I’ve been thinking about us. I remember how kind you were to me when we dated: your tender touch, your kind words, and the fun we had. Sometimes, though, I lose that vision when I’m hurt by your verbal attacks. I believe that gentle, loving man ?the one I married ?is the man you really want to be.”
Take time away. Two weeks later Jeff exploded again in harsh words to Marilyn. Since confrontation needs to be progressive, I encouraged Marilyn to up the ante.
Marilyn had another conversation with Jeff: “I’ve made a decision. I’ve explained how deeply I’m hurt when you lash out at me with critical and demeaning words. It takes me days and sometimes weeks to get over the pain. I’ve decided that the next time you lose your temper and yell at me, I’ll take some time away from you in order to recover. I’m not abandoning you; I’m trying to take constructive action. I’m sharing this with you because I believe in you and want to improve our marriage.”
“Your leaving isn’t going to help,” Jeff scoffed. “Perhaps not,” Marilyn said, “but at least it’s a step in the right direction.”
A week later when Jeff erupted, Marilyn packed up their children and spent three days with her mother. That’s when Jeff got serious about his destructive behavior. He sought counseling and started down the road to recovery. While not all spouses will respond as quickly as Jeff, most will face reality when confronted with tough love.
Don’t give in. We must never allow verbal abuse “to work” for the abuser. [Please read the article, Why Doesn't My Spouse Change? Functional Fixedness] Giving in encourages that negative behavior to continue. If you recognize this in your marriage, you might say, “I realize I’ve encouraged your verbal outbursts by caving in. I understand now that this is wrong. In the future I will no longer be responsive when you lash out. If you want something, ask nicely, and I may well do what you desire. But I won’t give in when you rant and rave.” Then be consistent in following through. Love confronts and love is consistent.
Pray. Loving confrontation is best accompanied by prayer. We aren’t praying simply for our spouse. We’re asking for God’s wisdom that we may know how to be constructive in our situation. We’re asking for emotional strength to take positive action and not become victims of our spouse’s wrong behavior.
Does the above approach guarantee your spouse will eliminate the abusive behavior? No. We can’t determine another’s choices. We can, however, be responsible even when our spouse is being irresponsible. Retaliation (fighting fire with fire), capitulation (giving up and becoming a doormat), and denial (acting as though nothing is wrong) are all common responses to verbal abuse. None of them, however, are Christian responses. The Christian response is loving confrontation.
“If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted“ (Galatians 6:1).
We hope this message will inspire those of you who are caught up in this abuse to take whatever action you need to make to stop it. To help you in this mission we encourage you to go into the “Communication and Conflict” and the “Communication Tools,” and even the “Abuse in Marriage” (if you believe you are dealing with verbal abuse) topics and read the articles we have posted, plus the many other articles we offer on this and other issues, pertaining to marriage.
God?s Word sets the standard for how we should conduct ourselves:
?You flood the LORD?S altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, ?Why?? It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. ?Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. ?I hate divorce,? says the LORD God of Israel, ?and I hate a man?s covering himself with violence [or his wife] as well as with his garment,? says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.? (Malachi 2:13-16)
?You flood the LORD?S altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, ?Why?? It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.
?Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. ?I hate divorce,? says the LORD God of Israel, ?and I hate a man?s covering himself with violence [or his wife] as well as with his garment,? says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.? (Malachi 2:13-16)
May we set standards in our homes and conduct ?that we personally will not break faith.
Steve and Cindy Wright
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