In our wedding vows most of us promise to “love honor and cherish” each other, “TIL DEATH DO US PART.” But what we see in society, is that in many of the ceremonies, perhaps the wording should be, “Till death do us part, or until we’re unhappy, and then it’s till divorce do we part.? (Please watch the video: What Wedding Vows Would Be If People Were Honest.)
On this issue, Julie Baumgardner (Executive Director of First Things First, an organization dedicated to help strengthen marriages) wrote some things to consider in an article titled, Baumgardner: Till Death Do Us Part, (featured in The Chattanooga Times). How do we fight against the tide of rising divorces? She explains:
Marriage experts have found that couples that make their marriage work make a decision up front that divorce is not an option. Although many couples who end up divorcing have challenges, the reality is, their marriage probably could have been saved and in the long run been a happy one. Their fatal error in the relationship was making the mistake of leaving their options open. If the going gets too tough, in their mind, divorce is always a way out. It might surprise you to know that research shows that divorce does not make people happier. Does divorce make people happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages conducted by the Institute for American Values found that: Unhappily married adults who divorce or separated were no happier, on average, than unhappily married adults who stayed married. Unhappy marriages were less common than unhappy spouses. Staying married did not typically trap unhappy spouses in violent relationships. Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce or separation ended up happily married five years later. The bottom line is you have to make a decision to stay at the table and be committed to making the marriage work. There are some things you can do to keep the vow you made ?until death do us part: Learn skills to help you keep your marriage on track. Research continues to show that couples who learn how to talk to each other, resolve conflict, manage their money, have appropriate expectations of the marriage, and build intimacy are significantly more likely to keep their marriage on track over time. Understand that the grass may look greener on the other side, but you still have to mow it. On the surface someone may look better than the one you are with, but the reality is even beautiful grassy sod eventually has onions, crabgrass and clover if it isn’t properly cared for. In most cases, people who have jumped the fence (and left the marriage) will testify that the grass is not greener, just different. Learn how to resolve conflict without threatening to leave the marriage. All couples have spats. Some yell, others talk things through. The common denominator for couples who keep their marriage on track is learning how to disagree with the best of them, but leaving the marriage is never an option. Stop using divorce as a crutch. Instead of giving up on the marriage when the going gets tough, consider it a challenge to learn as much as you can about your mate and how you can effectively deal with adversity. Make an intentional decision to love the one you are with. Keep the big picture perspective. Sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees. One woman described her 65-year marriage to a group of young people. She shared about seven years throughout the 65-year span that were really bad due to work conditions, children, no time together, the husband working out of town for a couple of years, etc. In the end she asked herself the question, “Would I really want to trade 58 good years for seven bad years?” The answer was a resounding No! All marriages experience trials and tough moments. Don’t trade years of history for a couple of bad months or tough years. Make a plan for your marriage. Going into marriage without a plan is like playing a football game without memorizing the play-book. If you are going to win, you have to have team meetings, set goals, learn and relearn skills, learn how to lead and follow, and share responsibilities. You both need a copy of the play-book [which is the Bible]. If you want a “til death do us part” marriage you have to learn the plays so you can execute them correctly. That takes time. You have to learn to adapt the plays when situations change. You know there will be times when you will have a few setbacks, but you continue to move toward your goal line and even score a few winning touchdowns. You can’t do it by yourself. It takes your teammate to block for you, throw the ball to you, help you up when you fall down and encourage you when the going gets tough. It has been said that individuals win games, teamwork wins championships. Make it your goal to have a championship marriage.
Marriage experts have found that couples that make their marriage work make a decision up front that divorce is not an option. Although many couples who end up divorcing have challenges, the reality is, their marriage probably could have been saved and in the long run been a happy one.
Their fatal error in the relationship was making the mistake of leaving their options open. If the going gets too tough, in their mind, divorce is always a way out. It might surprise you to know that research shows that divorce does not make people happier. Does divorce make people happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages conducted by the Institute for American Values found that:
The bottom line is you have to make a decision to stay at the table and be committed to making the marriage work. There are some things you can do to keep the vow you made ?until death do us part:
Learn skills to help you keep your marriage on track. Research continues to show that couples who learn how to talk to each other, resolve conflict, manage their money, have appropriate expectations of the marriage, and build intimacy are significantly more likely to keep their marriage on track over time.
Understand that the grass may look greener on the other side, but you still have to mow it. On the surface someone may look better than the one you are with, but the reality is even beautiful grassy sod eventually has onions, crabgrass and clover if it isn’t properly cared for. In most cases, people who have jumped the fence (and left the marriage) will testify that the grass is not greener, just different. Learn how to resolve conflict without threatening to leave the marriage.
All couples have spats. Some yell, others talk things through. The common denominator for couples who keep their marriage on track is learning how to disagree with the best of them, but leaving the marriage is never an option. Stop using divorce as a crutch. Instead of giving up on the marriage when the going gets tough, consider it a challenge to learn as much as you can about your mate and how you can effectively deal with adversity. Make an intentional decision to love the one you are with.
Keep the big picture perspective. Sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees. One woman described her 65-year marriage to a group of young people. She shared about seven years throughout the 65-year span that were really bad due to work conditions, children, no time together, the husband working out of town for a couple of years, etc.
In the end she asked herself the question, “Would I really want to trade 58 good years for seven bad years?” The answer was a resounding No! All marriages experience trials and tough moments. Don’t trade years of history for a couple of bad months or tough years.
Make a plan for your marriage. Going into marriage without a plan is like playing a football game without memorizing the play-book. If you are going to win, you have to have team meetings, set goals, learn and relearn skills, learn how to lead and follow, and share responsibilities. You both need a copy of the play-book [which is the Bible]. If you want a “til death do us part” marriage you have to learn the plays so you can execute them correctly. That takes time.
You have to learn to adapt the plays when situations change. You know there will be times when you will have a few setbacks, but you continue to move toward your goal line and even score a few winning touchdowns. You can’t do it by yourself. It takes your teammate to block for you, throw the ball to you, help you up when you fall down and encourage you when the going gets tough. It has been said that individuals win games, teamwork wins championships. Make it your goal to have a championship marriage.
In closing, we want to share something that author Sheila Wray Gregoire pointed out in a recent blog titled, ?Don?t Forget How Much They ?Want Us to Fail.? The “they” she refers to in the article is society and the enemy of our faith. And what she has to say about it is SO true! Below are a few of the points Sheila makes on why it?s important to fight for our MARRIAGE, rather than fight against each other (we recommend that you read what Sheila wrote, because her point is well taken). Please prayerfully consider that:
?When our marriages work, we show the culture how shallow it is. We shine a light on the fact that everything they?re chasing after and basing their lives on is essentially meaningless. If married people stay together, continue to love each other even in the rough times, continue to be happier, healthier, and wealthier, and raise better kids, then maybe there really is something to that morality thing. And people don?t want there to be. They want morality to be a sham. “We?re surrounded by the message ‘you just need to be happy’, as if happiness is god. And so when we?re not happy we start to question our choices and our relationships, because if we?re not ‘being true to ourselves’, then what?s the point? Our culture is set up to hurt marriages, not help marriages. It is set up to encourage divorce? “And so what is the response? Listen to God. Talk to your mate. Keep him as your best friend, so communication is strong. As much as possible, get rid of negative media? Don?t settle for mediocre. Fight for your marriage! And if someone else, or something else, is threatening to take you off the right path, fight back! “?When you do, you strike a blow against our culture. When you fight for your marriage, you?re fighting for something bigger than yourself. It matters. You matter. And God never intends for you to have to fight alone!”
?When our marriages work, we show the culture how shallow it is. We shine a light on the fact that everything they?re chasing after and basing their lives on is essentially meaningless. If married people stay together, continue to love each other even in the rough times, continue to be happier, healthier, and wealthier, and raise better kids, then maybe there really is something to that morality thing. And people don?t want there to be. They want morality to be a sham.
“We?re surrounded by the message ‘you just need to be happy’, as if happiness is god. And so when we?re not happy we start to question our choices and our relationships, because if we?re not ‘being true to ourselves’, then what?s the point? Our culture is set up to hurt marriages, not help marriages. It is set up to encourage divorce?
“And so what is the response? Listen to God. Talk to your mate. Keep him as your best friend, so communication is strong. As much as possible, get rid of negative media? Don?t settle for mediocre. Fight for your marriage! And if someone else, or something else, is threatening to take you off the right path, fight back!
“?When you do, you strike a blow against our culture. When you fight for your marriage, you?re fighting for something bigger than yourself. It matters. You matter. And God never intends for you to have to fight alone!”
For all of us who care and SHOULD care, “May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)
Steve and Cindy Wright
- Cindy Wright ? May 8, 2012
We say we love our spouse, but do our actions show it?
One thing I?ve noticed is how few married couples keep the P.D.A. (Public Displays of Affection) going after they marry. Before marriage, their ?love? is pretty obvious ?they?re practically all over each other ?sometimes a little too much. But later after the wedding, when they?re out in public, you?re fortunate to find them in the same room.
I?ve noticed this. A LOT. And it bothers me A LOT. Yes, I know that we all have our own styles of expressing love, but isn?t love and affection supposed to go hand in hand with each other, when it comes to marital love? Why does it stop after we say, ?I do? or after the honeymoon is over?
I read something that marriage expert, Diane Sollee, once said that I believe has some truth to it. She said, ?Married love doesn?t commit suicide. We have to kill it. Though, it often simply dies of our neglect.?
That?s where I?m thinking that P.D.A.?s go, and in some homes, even P.A.A?s (Private Acts of Affection).
My husband Steve and I are still affectionate in public and at home ?even after 40 years of marriage. And we wouldn?t want it any other way. We?ve also seen that it inspires others to show more affection to each other. And that sure aint all bad!
After all, we?re told in Hebrews 10:24, ?Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.? So I guess we?re on the right track.
But we don?t continue to demonstrate our love by being affectionate to each other to put on a show, but to feed our love for each other. As David Mace says,
?One of the great illusions of our time is that love is self-sustaining. It is not. Love must be fed and nurtured, constantly renewed. That demands ingenuity and consideration, but first and foremost, it demands making the time for each other.?
And we do.?E. Sanna points out something we?ve learned,
?As we juggle our busy lives, it?s too easy to let our marriages fall into the background. We?d never say our marriages weren?t important, yet we often act as though they?re not.?
And then she gives great advice, ?Make your marriage your number one priority after God.? We do and hope you do, or will ?from this day forward? starting today.
So, to help you in this mission, the following are some pieces of advice from those who know what their talking about, concerning nurturing love in marriage.
To do so, please don?t neglect to:
??Show common courtesies to your spouse.
“Think of all the insensitive behaviors toward our spouses which we feel are covered by ‘love’: forgetting to use words such as ‘please’ and ‘thank you;’ coming home late from work without calling first; ignoring basic needs as encouragement, intimacy and conversation. Then think what might happen to your relationship if you began treating these needs like your marriage depended on them.” (Win Couchman, from “The Couples’ Devotional Bible”)
??MAKE time, FIND time to spend with each other.
?One of the great illusions of our time is that love is self-sustaining. It is not. Love must be fed, nurtured, and constantly renewed. That demands ingenuity and consideration, but first and foremost, it demands making the time for each other.”?(David Mace)
??Fight for your marriage.
?Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.? (Barbara Johnson)
??Bring back P.D.A. into your relationship. It nurtures love.
?Bring back physical affection. Reach out and touch each other affectionately. Hold hands. Share kisses and hugs.? (Whitney Hopler, from Crosswalk.com article, ?Create a New Marriage ?with Your Same Spouse?)
??Initiate small acts of kindness.
?Small but frequent gestures of affection and care may appear to be insignificant, but grouped together over days and years they become the undeniable evidence of your highest love and deepest devotion. “Perhaps more than anyone, marriage partners need to remember the worth and beauty of small things ?the tiny, seemingly insignificant gestures that often go unnoticed by long-married spouses. It is through these acts of consistent, tender selflessness that you and your mate?s aloneness may eventually be dispelled. “Grand gestures say, ?I choose to care about you.? But the tiny acts of generosity, the briefest words of reassurance, the unexpected hug, an admiring glance, and the offer of assistance when you didn?t ask for it ?these tiny offerings loudly say, ‘You matter to me.’” (Ronn Elmore, from the book, “An Outrageous Commitment”)
?Small but frequent gestures of affection and care may appear to be insignificant, but grouped together over days and years they become the undeniable evidence of your highest love and deepest devotion.
“Perhaps more than anyone, marriage partners need to remember the worth and beauty of small things ?the tiny, seemingly insignificant gestures that often go unnoticed by long-married spouses. It is through these acts of consistent, tender selflessness that you and your mate?s aloneness may eventually be dispelled.
“Grand gestures say, ?I choose to care about you.? But the tiny acts of generosity, the briefest words of reassurance, the unexpected hug, an admiring glance, and the offer of assistance when you didn?t ask for it ?these tiny offerings loudly say, ‘You matter to me.’” (Ronn Elmore, from the book, “An Outrageous Commitment”)
??Look for opportunities to give without being asked.
?A foot rub given when your spouse?s feet are tired and swollen, or a back rub when they?re hurting after a long day, or a cold glass of ice water given when they?re outside working in the hot sun are priceless gifts when given lovingly and without being asked.? (Steve Wright of Marriage Missions International)
??Show that you value your spouse.
?Pay attention to your spouse, making him/her feel valued. ?When you speak to your partner, take the time to look into one another?s eyes. Look up from the TV or computer. Notice when your partner looks especially nice. Look at your partner with eyes that see and listen with ears that really hear. It may seem a small thing but it makes a big impact. Make eye contact when you say goodnight. Go to bed at the same time.? (Gail Rodgers, from Growthtrac.com article, ?You Can Have Straight A?s in Your Marriage?)
??Speak to your spouse in respectful ways.
?He who guards his lips guards his life; but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.? (Proverbs 13:3) Ask yourself if what you?re saying to your spouse is respectful. God?s Word tells us to be careful and helpful in all we say. ?Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.? (Ephesians 4:29)
??Choose to be happy.
??Happiness is a choice. My husband and I have been married 29 years and we have chosen to be happy. Every morning when we wake up we choose to enjoy our day with each other. We choose to be happy.?? (Advice given on Happywivesclub.com)
??Find ways to show you care.
?Make the choice to speak and behave in loving and caring ways toward each other. We must do the things we once did when we beheld each other strictly through the eyes of affection and tenderness.”?(R. and C. Moeller)
??Don?t get so comfortable in your marriage that you forget to cultivate love.
?A friend of mine recently celebrated her fiftieth wedding anniversary. ?If there?s one thing I?ve learned about marriage, it?s to never get so comfortable you cease to cultivate it,? she told me. At first her words amazed me. How much cultivating could a fifty-year marriage need? But I?ve come to realize everything requires constant care to survive. Our house needs a fresh coat of paint, highways need resurfacing, and a marriage needs a fresh coat of love.? (Mayo Mathers, from Kyria.com article, ?Did I Take This Man??)
??Make sure your attitude towards your spouse is ?catchy? and reflects the love of Christ.
?Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus?? (Philippians 2:5) ?Your attitude affects the attitudes of those around you. So, why not start your day with a smile, an attitude of gratefulness, or a patient word? Let your attitude ripple out to others (especially your sweetie).? (Lori Byerly of The-generous-wife.com)
??Give the gift of time to spend together.
?If you?re two people who seem to only pass in the hallway and exchange scheduling of who?s taking the kids where, perhaps you should schedule the time to spend with one another.? (Stu Gray, from the Stupendousmarriage.com article, ?6 Gifts to Give Your Spouse All Year Long?)
??Continually examine your priorities.
?How important is your spouse and your marriage to you? Realize that your priorities and your actions give the honest answer to this question. Your children are catching more than they are being taught. In other words, your actions are teaching them what you really believe. What you say means much less when your actions don?t match the words. Nurture your marriage.? Be pro-active in doing so! (From Agrownupmarriage.com article, ?Children Catch More than They are Taught?)
??Touch each other (sexually and non-sexually).
?The boost of connection you receive from human touch is huge. And every touch doesn?t have to be sexual in nature. Sure, sexual touch is important and will increase the connection, but so will non-sexual touch. Hold hands, hug, sit close beside one another, and cuddle. Each little (or big) gesture can cause a boost of Oxytocin (the bonding chemical) for both of you.? (Corey, from Simplenet.com article, ?Don?t Bother Rekindling Your Marriage ?Create Something New?)
??Talk to each other.
?You may be thinking, ?but I talk to my spouse.?? It?s not ?about discussing family business. When I say ?talk? I mean dream together, share your thoughts, expose your feelings? Turn off the TV, put down that magazine and look into each other?s eyes while you converse. Listen and understand. If your spouse is distracted, then ask him or her to carve out 10-15 minutes to catch up.? (Sabrina Beasley, Familylife.com article: 10 Ideas: Surprising Ways to Increase Romance?)
??Be careful of how you talk to your spouse.
?You know what happens when you open a soda can that?s been shaken, right? Because it makes such a huge mess, most folks wait until the pressure inside the can subsides before popping the top. Try that with your mouth the next time you?re ticked off and ready to explode verbally. Wait until your emotions subside, THEN open your mouth. It?s the way to keep from making a huge mess in your marriage.? (Kevin B. Bullard of Marriageworks.org)
???Look for opportunities of being restful with your husband (or wife).
“After a long day have a leisurely meal. Take a walk. Sit on the porch and hold hands. Give each other shoulder rubs. Work in the garden together. Do whatever is relaxing and fun ?together.”?(Lori from The-generous-wife.com) ?Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop.? (Ovid)
??”Tell your spouse you love them daily.
- “Kiss often and kiss long. - “Hold hands when walking ?anywhere. - “Send unexpected texts to your spouse letting them know you?re thinking of them. - “When they call during the day, make sure there is a smile in your voice reserved for them.” (Tom and Debi Walter, from Theromanticvineyard.com article, “It Takes Time to Make Time”)
- “Kiss often and kiss long.
- “Hold hands when walking ?anywhere.
- “Send unexpected texts to your spouse letting them know you?re thinking of them.
- “When they call during the day, make sure there is a smile in your voice reserved for them.” (Tom and Debi Walter, from Theromanticvineyard.com article, “It Takes Time to Make Time”)
??Whenever possible, extend grace.
?Realize you?re capable of doing the very same things (or similar) that you dislike in your spouse. By being understanding and extending grace, you?re hopefully putting on reserve a deposit in your spouse?s bank of understanding so when you?re someday in the same situation, he or she will extend grace to you, as well. Remember this: Grace is the glue that holds the two of you together.? (Cindi and Hugh McMenamin, from Crosswalk.com article, ?Extending Grace When You?d Rather Get in Your Spouse?s Face?)
???True love is lived out as we give beyond the minimum.?
?Some spouses do the minimum necessary to get by. They figure out the minimum amount of love, respect, appreciation, housework, sex, or whatever their spouse will tolerate, and do no more than that. ?That doesn?t sound like love!? (Paul Byerly, from The-generous-husband.com article, ?How Little Can I Get By With 2?)
It’s important to remember:
?Let us not love with just words or tongue but with actions and in truth.? (1 John 3:18)
“We used to be so in love. Life was full of passion and romance. Now he acts like he doesn’t care. It seems like ages since we made love. Our marriage is in trouble if we don’t breathe some new life into it soon!”
Passion and romance are strange phenomena. They are strong compulsions and hard to control. This is one area that has always perplexed me about God’s creation. Why didn’t He create us with the ability to sustain passion for just one person all of our lives?
The truth is that all marriages go through ups and downs. For many, the down times are quite low and can last a long time.
Once the infatuation stage is over and the negotiation phase begins, most couples realize that there are times when living with the same person year after year can be boring, and the lure of something new and different can be quite strong.
No one should be surprised when they find their mind wandering toward something new, something different, something that seems a little more exciting. All relationships go through this strain. What keeps the marriage together? In these down times, it’s not deep emotion or passion but commitment to one’s spouse.
As Michele Weiner-Davis describes it (in her book Divorce Busting),
“Magic doesn’t last forever. Happily married couples say magic visits from time to time, but by no means is omnipresent. When speaking of their mates these couples talk more of mutual respect, companionship, [and] friendship than they do of magic and quiver-up-the-spine. “One gets the impression that a good marriage is in many ways more like a good business partnership than the pairing of Mr. with Ms. Right. Failing to recognize the transience of magic in all relationships results in the gnawing feeling that something is wrong. Believing something is wrong with your marriage because intense feelings aren’t sustained may be what’s wrong with your marriage.”
“Magic doesn’t last forever. Happily married couples say magic visits from time to time, but by no means is omnipresent. When speaking of their mates these couples talk more of mutual respect, companionship, [and] friendship than they do of magic and quiver-up-the-spine.
“One gets the impression that a good marriage is in many ways more like a good business partnership than the pairing of Mr. with Ms. Right. Failing to recognize the transience of magic in all relationships results in the gnawing feeling that something is wrong. Believing something is wrong with your marriage because intense feelings aren’t sustained may be what’s wrong with your marriage.”
When people come for counseling about their marriage, they often say things like the following:
“We just don’t feel the same way about each other.” “God wouldn’t want us to stay together if we don’t love each other.” “I love my spouse, but I’m no longer in love.” “If I am in love with my spouse, then how can I have these feelings for someone else?”
“We just don’t feel the same way about each other.”
“God wouldn’t want us to stay together if we don’t love each other.”
“I love my spouse, but I’m no longer in love.”
“If I am in love with my spouse, then how can I have these feelings for someone else?”
Do any of these comments sound familiar to you? How would you respond?
We usually let clients know up front that they are going through something most couples experience. Feelings flutter and fade, but marriage is built upon commitment.
“Yes,” they might say, “but aren’t these feelings telling me that I’ve made the wrong commitment?” People talk about being “in love” with someone else. Or perhaps they’re just interested in or turned on by another person. This is obviously distressing, and a serious concern for the marriage, but it is also quite common, even among Christian couples. A person may have passionate feelings toward someone other than his or her spouse. This does not mean, however, that true love has left the marriage or that marriage is bound to end.
An affair, whether imagined or indulged, will always be more exciting than the marriage. Why? Because it is something unknown, forbidden, and unexplored. This is probably what lies behind the intriguing biblical phrase “the lust of his eyes“?(1 John 2:16). Remember that coveting made God’s top ten list of human errors.
One man told me how he had “set a fleece” before God. (This is a dubious form of testing God’s will that’s based on a story from the biblical judge Gideon). Here’s what this man’s test was: He proposed that he go away by himself for two weeks to think and pray about his wife and another woman that he was overwhelmingly attracted to.
He said, “I’ll see which woman I miss the most. That will determine which way I go.” He reasoned that God would direct him by giving him the greatest longing for the woman he really loved.
I told him not to bother. I could predict which woman would be most on his mind ?the woman who had been his obsession for the past four months. But this would have nothing to do with love and everything to do with hormones, excitement, and lust.
Some partners feel that they have to compete with these obsessions. They assume that if they could just be a little sexier, a little nicer, or a little younger looking, they could win back their mates’ attention. The truth is that you cannot compete with an affair.
No matter how young or sexy you are or make yourself out to be, there will always be others who have more of what you are trying to gain. And ultimately it does not come down to youth or sexiness, just newness. We are often attracted to something ?or someone ?new.
Staying together is a matter of remembering the nature of the commitment you made to your spouse. I advised the wavering husband to stay with his wife and think on the commitment. I advised his wife to give up trying to compete but to confidently remind him of the choice he made ten years ago when he promised to be her husband. (There’s nothing wrong with trying to be nice or trying to make yourself look good, but that cannot be the focus of your efforts to win back your spouse.)
All marriages go through some form of temptation. Some people pursue money, career, other friendships, or even church work to fill the void of marriages that just don’t fulfill their expectations or needs. And many are tempted to enter extramarital romances.
The question is: What do you do with the temptation?
Do you seek it? Some do. There are those who get tired of their marriage and go out looking for trouble. They may not even intend to “go all the way” with an illicit relationship, but they’re dancing on the edge of infidelity. They want the excitement, the rush, the assurance that they’re still attractive to the opposite sex. Obviously, these people are playing with fire.
Do you entertain temptation? You’re not intending to have an affair, but there’s this beautiful woman at the office, there’s this nice man at school, there’s this good friend at church who seems perfect for you. You find yourself comparing your spouse to that person, imagining yourself with that person, entertaining thoughts of an affair that you’re not really planning to have.
Meanwhile, the friendship grows more intimate. There was a spark there, and you have fanned it. You worry about where this is headed, but you console yourself with the myth: This must be right because there is passion here I’ve never felt in my marriage. This, too, is playing with fire. Call it what it is, a good friendship that is taking a dangerous turn. Slam on the brakes before you crash.
Do you find strength to fight temptation? Temptation weakens us. It snakes its way inside our souls and convinces us that we have already lost ?it’s useless to resist. The Tempter tries to make us feel guilty for being tempted and normal for giving in. That’s backwards. It’s normal to be tempted; the guilt comes when we succumb to it.
So, if you are being tempted by an extra-marital affair, join the club. You’re normal. You have not done anything wrong ?yet. But be on your guard. Your extramarital passion is not a sign that your marriage is doomed or that it’s time to move on. It’s an indication that it’s time to move back, to renew your commitment to your marriage.
This article is edited from the book, “The Marriage Mender,” written by Dr Thomas A. Whiteman and Dr Thomas G. Bartlett, published by Navpress. Dr Whiteman and Dr Bartlett are licensed psychologists who both work with troubled couples and have conducted seminars on marriage through Fresh Start Seminars.?
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